“You’ve Got Crabs!”

A closer look into the life of the creator of “You’ve Got Crabs”…

Day 1

I flip frantically through the mail. I can’t contain my excitement.

Oh. That’s unexpected. I have crabs. Since when did they start informing you in the mail, anyways?

Well, would you look at that! I also got rejected from Dartmouth.

Day 5

I disclose to my best friend that I’m taking a gap year, and that I have crabs. He ostracizes me for having crabs.

Day 7

Everybody at school found out that I have crabs.

I realize how little it takes to lose so much. None of my friends will talk to me anymore — even the lunch lady asked me if I was in the mood for a Krabby Patty. I feel outcast by communities of people that I was certain cared deeply about me, and my casual excisement from society shatters my self-image.

This puts me in a crabby mood.

Day 7, later that day

I’m informed by the principal that I have to walk sideways at graduation.

Day 10

The worst part about crabs is having crabs alone.

I buy my dog a crab costume and take him for a walk.

We go to a wet market together and look at crabs in tanks. The crabs in the tanks have a certain grace to them, even though they face near certain death. They soundlessly scuttle left to right, their eyes a black void, their rubber-banded claws up in the air like they just don’t care…

One winks at me.

Day 11

I go back to the wet market. Alone, this time.

I ask to see the red-orange crab with the beady eyes and the pincers that make the shape of a heart when they’re closed — the crab that winked at me yesterday.

The man at the stall gives me a funny look, then goes to look for something in the back. He comes back with a California Roll.

I fall to my knees, tears flowing down my face.

Day 26

I wake up in the hospital, the faint taste of tartar sauce in my mouth. Apparently, I’d gotten drunk the night before, went to Red Lobster, and gotten into a fight with the head chef.

I learned the hard way that it’s possible to weaponize lobsters.

Feeling crabby again.

Day 126

As I learn more and more about the world of crabs, the more I see myself in them.

Them with their lanky, perverted limbs, me with my morbid obesity. There’s something monstrous about both of our appearances, but there’s beauty in this beast. I yearn for the day that people look past my crusted outward appearance and realize just how tasty my soft underbelly really is.

Everything always goes sideways when you’re a crab.

Day 212

*trying stand-up comedy*

“What kind of burger do you have when you’re frustrated?

A Krabby Patty.”

*silence*

Day 212, five minutes later

“Haha, but like for real though carcinisation is believed to have occurred independently in at least five groups of decapod crustaceans. Kinda crazy right. How long before we’re also subject to this crab-olution? One day a baby is gonna wake up with claws for hands, and then what? Do we let nature take its course? Maybe let the baby cut its own umbilical cord or something? A baby with claws would be pretty fuckin’ sick though I mean come on maybe turning into a crab wouldn’t be so bad.”

*more silence*

“Or we could abort it.”

Day 289

After asking around a bit, I get the impression that crabs are a huge fan of that one crab rave music video. It’s a surprisingly accurate representation of how crabs actually rave.

Day 300

talking to a friend

“I have an interview with Mr. Krabs next week to help with my research for this book I’m working on about the shockwaves the financial crisis of 2008 sent through the world of crabs. Yeah, like it’s no big deal he’s actually a pretty good buddy of mine we go way back.”

Day 579

zips up pants

You know what, we should make this into a board game.